Nothingness. I have a job and I've gotten into a school I attended, so I'll move next month or so. I'll still wait for the other schools entrance exam results. Thumbs up.

Hate my "art" again, but heck. Whatever.

Oohfuck. There's this one certain artist I've been stalking for ages. His art is divine, skills over my ability to understanding, I adore him at the same time he makes me feel so unworthy. And I just found out he has a wife, who is almost equally talented. On a level I will never ever be able to reach. Well doesn't THAT just make you want to die.

I'm serious about getting into some art school. If I get rejected by The One School I intended this spring I will stick some explosives into my ear and...

Well, it takes three more weeks to get a letter I will be afraid to open.

"Jan 25

Oh my. Everything happened so fast that I'm just beginnig to realize what I've done. I'm studying arts at... "Eurajoen kristillinen opisto?" = Eurajoki Christian Folk High School as they seem to call it on their site. Well anyway. That means I draw, paint, sculpt and whatsoever this whole spring!

Yes it's "christian" and I was scared shitless when I went there and got in the middle of... morning worship. They gave me this psalm book and... It was a weird experience. But that's not required to participate, so. Great. Otherwise it's just normal there. Or as normal as things can be at Eurajoki. It's a small place with few thousand people living in there. And then there's the nuclear power plant. It's a common joke that you can see far how that place glows in the dark. And how it's no wonder everybody are a bit weird in there.

So this all means that I might update some stuffs here too. Kind of "real art" instead these childish pretty girl-drawings. Which doesn't mean I will stop drawing poofy princess skirts either. Or maybe I will get annoyed with this sh*t and delete all my works from DA. We'll see."

FOUR months later.

HELL YEAH I WILL UPDATE. I ended up ignoring my gallery completely and now I just hate hate hate it all. Well I'm kind of mentally attached for some works but... Hum. And I still cant' draw any better so it would be futile to delete my stuffs. Anyhow. I'M NOT DEAD. Either. And my paintings you shall not see.

So, here it comes. I've copied all my art. Yes, really, I haven't ever came out with anything new!

All I draw is all I've seen, gothic clothes, human faces, laces and ruffles and corsages. Furnitures, houses, windows, it all exist. And the things that doesn't exist in this world exist in other drawings done by other people; dragons, fairies, angels, demons, elves. Even if I construct something that I personally haven't seen, all the parts exist. Materials exist. Somebody somewhere might very possibly have putted it all together long before I came to think of it.

Techniques, I don't own them either. I only am one of many that use them. Cg softwares, tablet, ballpoint pen. I haven't invented any of my tools. Some things on my colorin means are my own, but those things are invented thousands of times, like everybody figures out as a child how to write their name.

So what is left that's my own? My aesthetics? My delicate fingerprint on the lineart, colorscheme and atmosphere? My feelings that I pour on the current drawing. Accidentally or intentionally. Trying, succeeding or failing.

I'm not thinking of this first time. I just keep wondering. Because all things new that please me I absorb so easily. I take influence accidentally or for purpose all te time. I can't remember and credit everyone who have been my mentors for those maybe few seconds I've looked at their art. Mostly I don't take this seriously because I'm sucha sucky doodler compared to real artists.

But now I've done it. I studied anatomy. I used models. Photographs of people. Photographs taken by some artists here at DA. ( I really can't get a real model anywhere.) Some practices I liked and worked with them further. Today I scanned a random pile of works I like. And I have no clue about artists or models. There are two or three of them and they are not copies, they're ballpoint pen drawings based on models. I drew them for fun. So I'm thinking is it all right to show them, mentioning using a model. I would no way use them ever to make profit or anything. Either would I ever want to offend anyone. Allright, it's not like I wouldn't know how to provocate people if I want to, but this is a serious thing to me. After being a wictim of a good old honest art teft I really know how shitty things these are. I realised afterwards that there is a category of stock images, and I guess I use thm from now on f I must have a model. (Noticing that most of the good anatomy propotions are from ugly naked nerd people, and now I guess I finally did offend some people, but I find it hard to have a picture of a unknown guys gross hairy ass on my high contrast 21'' screen. And let's not talk about having to see hundreds of these asses before you find a proper model for tha ELBOW you're trying to get right.)

My computer has windows motherfuckin VISTA in it for some insane reason. It takes a while to get XP instead. Why in heavens name they came up with idea for vista? Hey, let's do a new system, let's make it look really good, lets put on some funky graphics everywhere and change this XP-stuff a bit so that they'll think it's all new and better and YEAH, let's make it really heavy and inconvenient so that it'll KILL every computer which it's been instructed on!!! God I hate microsoft. And propably they'll deny my acces into internet now because I said something mean and Bill Gates weeps under his bed and accuses me for being a terrorist and Bush blows the whole Rauma up.

Why does this thing exist? Is it good for anything? I've only heard of a massive amount of problems with this or that program. And oh yes, for games it doesn't work at ALL. Which is great, 'cause I love pc for playing platform and I already got myself WoW, which I'm not even going to install before I'll have XP because it surely doesn't work with vista for anyone. Shhhhhit.